It’s Monday morning, the start of a new week — and since this is the first of many entries, the beginning of a new chapter in this journey we call life. I spent much of Sunday working on my new book, synthesizing my myriad thoughts to try to create a compelling narrative. It was a great day and I was able to pour a lot of intuition and wisdom into the computer screen and keyboard. However, due to the contrast of living in the intuitive world (writing) and the real world, by the end of the day — I was as far away from practicing what I preach as I could possibly have been.
Patience, love, thoughtfulness, gratitude….they were like foreign languages to me. I only knew the languages of frustration, aggravation, hurt, fear and loneliness. Why? Because I allowed it to be that way. I made a choice to walk away from myself, and my own wisdom, and walk towards my old habits and reactions. It wasn’t necessarily a conscious choice, but it was definitely a decision. Somewhere along the way I had to have decided to abandon that which I’ve learned and know to be true – in order to feed my ego, and revert to old behaviors. And in the process, I hurt others and myself.
Today, I’m dealing with the hangover from this decision. The nausea and pounding headache that so frequently follows a night of over-indulgence in all things toxic. It’s a nasty hangover, one which has me yearning for a bit of the “hair of the dog” — but I know, deep down, that that will only perpetuate the problem and set me up for another hangover tomorrow. Instead, I am hanging out in the no-man’s-land of indecision. Neither reactionary, nor responsive. It’s not the best place to be, but it’s a step in the right direction. Hopefully, by tonight, I will have given myself enough pause, to allow my inner wisdom to bubble back up to the surface and shine through…..Bringing me back into a place of authenticity and integrity.
In love and light,
Martina