Recently, I was speaking with a client that is venturing into the online dating world, and this came out of my mouth:
Find someone who speaks to your joy, not your fears.
So often in life we look for a mate who meets certain criteria, because it’s what we think we want or are told we want. We look for things like: successful, attractive, sense of humor, tall, etc. All of these things are great and not necessarily fear-based. But if we scratch beneath the surface just a little bit, they actually are. Here’s why:
All of these criteria are externalized to your joy. Therefore, the criteria themselves are based on some internal fear that you are experiencing for which you want someone else to fill the void. Another way to say that is:
When a desire is based in the energy of lack, rather than joy, we are setting ourselves up for future disappointment.
It’s an idea worth exploring, because nobody (nobody) can fill an internal void. What a partner CAN do, however, is help to expand your existing joy to where you end up filling the void yourself.
That’s what I mean by finding someone who speaks to your joy. Now, what does that look like?
If you think about people (friends, family, etc.) who already exist in your life and make your heart smile when you’re around them… that speaks to your joy. It’s not about external attributes. It’s about recognizing how someone makes you feel.
Therefore, the question isn’t:
- Who are they?
- What do they do? or
- How do they look?
The question should always be:
How do I feel when I’m with them?
If you can answer that with a smile, you’re more than halfway there.