Category Archives: soul mates

Speaking to Joy

Recently, I was speaking with a client that is venturing into the online dating world, and this came out of my mouth:

Find someone who speaks to your joy, not your fears.

So often in life we look for a mate who meets certain criteria, because it’s what we think we want or are told we want. We look for things like: successful, attractive, sense of humor, tall, etc. All of these things are great and not necessarily fear-based. But if we scratch beneath the surface just a little bit, they actually are. Here’s why:

All of these criteria are externalized to your joy. Therefore, the criteria themselves are based on some internal fear that you are experiencing for which you want someone else to fill the void. Another way to say that is:

When a desire is based in the energy of lack, rather than joy, we are setting ourselves up for future disappointment.

It’s an idea worth exploring, because nobody (nobody) can fill an internal void. What a partner CAN do, however, is help to expand your existing joy to where you end up filling the void yourself.

That’s what I mean by finding someone who speaks to your joy. Now, what does that look like?

If you think about people (friends, family, etc.) who already exist in your life and make your heart smile when you’re around them… that speaks to your joy. It’s not about external attributes. It’s about recognizing how someone makes you feel.

Therefore, the question isn’t:

  • Who are they?
  • What do they do? or
  • How do they look?

The question should always be:

How do I feel when I’m with them?

If you can answer that with a smile, you’re more than halfway there. 🙂

Soul Mates

Years ago – ok, 13 years ago – I was talking with a friend of my mom’s who was guiding me on some ‘life’ questions I had, and during the conversation, I said, “I want to meet my soul mate.” Her wry response? “Are you sure?” “Yes – why wouldn’t I be?!?”

Here’s what I thought: I thought that you meet your soul mate, you get married, and you live happily ever after. And I guess, in looking at the BIG picture that’s totally true. But in the day-to-day of it all, well, it sometimes feels like a cruel joke. Why? Because our true soul mates are the people who are meant to bring us our greatest lessons. Which means they bring us our biggest challenges and force us to look in the mirror at who we are, where we are and how we are. They reflect back to us all our immeasurable beauty, as well as all of our greatest defects.

It goes on. Each soul usually has more than one soul mate. It all depends on where you are in your life when you meet the one that crosses your path whether you’re ready to face the litany of lessons you agreed to bring to each other. This, of course, does not mean that it gets easier with another soul mate if you choose to leave the one you’re with – in fact, quite the reverse. It compounds the lessons you have chosen to learn in this lifetime. Hence my support for the idea: “work, don’t walk.” But I digress.

For me, I know I have married one of my soul mates in this lifetime. He has brought me more opportunities for growth, understanding and love than I ever expected, or believed I could handle. It has not been easy, but I asked for it. I clearly stated to the Universe that I was ready, and to bring it on! And boy did they ever! And I’ve never been more grateful. Despite the challenges and lessons, I am now able to look at the bigger picture and see the absolute perfection of being with my soul mate. It has allowed me to become who I am. The conscious awareness of that statement is not lost on me. It’s profound. Because I took the step to be with my soul mate, and not run away when things got tough, I have given myself the opportunity to return to my natural state of being: which is love.

Now you might be saying, ‘That’s nice, Martina, but what does all this mean for me?’ Here’s my thought on that: I’ve spoken with tons of people over the years who are searching for happiness in another person. They have said, “I want to find my soul mate,” because they feel certain that their soul mate will complete them and bring them happiness. In many respects, that’s true. But not without doing the work themselves. Our soul mate doesn’t complete us by being half of a whole. Our soul mate completes us by creating opportunities for us to become whole ourselves.

Unfortunately, all too often we find the work to be too difficult, painful or otherwise challenging, and so we walk away. We say, “it wasn’t meant to be.” But that’s just it – it WAS meant to be. It was meant to be, because it was an opportunity for you to return to your natural state of being. It was an opportunity to find that happiness and wholeness inside yourself and not in another person. Our soul mates simply help us get back to the work. They remind us to get back on the path in order to find that joy in who we are. But when we’re hurting it’s not always easy to see it that way – and we often project our fears and pain onto the one person who is actually there to help us the most.

So, what happens when you run into another soul mate during this lifetime while you’re still with one? Nothing. Nothing has to happen, because there are always agreements in place to honor one another’s path. Besides, who says a relationship with a soul mate needs to be romantic? It’s the relationship that matters. Why can’t it be siblings or a friendship? A friendship still allows for the great discoveries and growth to occur, albeit in a different capacity than we usually think about when referring to ‘soul mates.’ Moreover, the fact that you may have, and meet, more than one soul mate in a lifetime does not diminish any current relationship. It’s just about looking at things in the big picture, in order to understand the smaller things a little bit better.

Now when someone says to me, “I’m ready to find my soul mate,” I pause, smile and say, “I’m so happy for you,” — because everything changes from here.

In Love and Light,